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Episode

Thirteen


Simon: What are you doing here?

Emma: Itís all right Simon. We were just talking until John comes in from the garden.

Simon: Oh.

Jerry Anderson: What-oh Mr. Tinsley. Hope you and your lovely friend are keeping well.

Emma: For goodness sake Simon, stop looking around. Everything is here. Jerry and I were just talking about a shared acquaintance.

Simon: From your prison days?

Emma: No, Simon, a shared acquaintance of yours and Jerryís.

Jerry: Thatís right Mr. Tinsley. I understand youíve become familiar with The Hat.

Simon: Blimey! You donít go by the name of ĎCousin Ernieí do you?

Jerry: Who? Oh Ernie. Heís a right one I can tell you. Used to box, you know, but could never keep the weight down. Anyway, fancy you knowing both of them! Right couple of crooks they are, but I used to meet all sorts with my old line of work.

Simon: That being nicking things.

Emma: Jerry has a new profession now, heís working in the church.

Jerry: Right. Took lessons in the nick, didnít I? Rehabilitation they call it and what with my knowledge of old stuff, restoration work seemed right up my street. Iím going to be working in the church for that Mr. Vyse and the Rev.

Simon: Well if you see the Hat remember NOT to mention my name.

Jerry: Oh, you wonít be seeing him for a while.

Simon: Why not?

Jerry: Well he had his collar felt, didnít he? Nicked, the two of them. As I was going out, they was coming in. Got a good long stretch too, is what I heard.

Simon: Well that is good news. Welcome back Jerry!


Simon: You didnít reply to any of them?

Mr. Tinsley: No, bunch of losers if you ask me, putting their lives out there on the Internet for all to see. Pathetic really.

Simon: And youíre such a catch?

Mr. Tinsley: I have my pride.

Simon: So who are you going to the wedding with? I donít want you sitting there looking miserable when Mum comes in with the Italian job.

Mr. Tinsley: Thatís the trouble with living in the country. Theyíre all old people.

Simon: I know, what about going with Shirley? Sheís going to be alone now.

Mr. Tinsley: Sheís older than I am! Anyway, it wouldnít be right, not with her husband so recently gone.

Simon: Your sensibilities do you proud.

Mr. Tinsley: What about one of these cousins of Ann? Are they good looking? You found an American woman.

Simon: One of them is bringing a bloke, and the other one is twenty-two!

Mr. Tinsley: Well that sounds all right. Iíll check them out when they arrive.

Simon: If nothing better comes up.

Mr. Tinsley: Right.

Simon: Youíre not to talk to Ann any more until after the wedding. She thinks Iím bad but if she ever thought Iíd turn out like you, Iíd need a date for the wedding!


Mrs. Simmons: This is so impressive! I knew Ann and Simon were well off, but I didnít have any idea of the scale of this house. I feel like Iím a character on A&E.

Mr. Simmons: Just be carefulóin those shows someone always gets murdered.

Mrs. Simmons: Now Al, donít go and spoil it! Itís a nice old house, not something sinister.

Mr. Simmons: Well, I thought I heard voices last night. Not natural. And that portrait in the corneróI feel like sheís watching me. Reminds me more of a Fox special than A&E.

Mrs. Simmons: You probably did hear voices last night. Half the wedding guests are staying here. Just think, our Ann has a house with more bedrooms than we have rooms. And to think we told her sheíd starve when she said she wanted to be a medieval historian.

Mr. Simmons: Well, she would have starved. She just got lucky.

Jen: Hey Uncle Al, Aunt Nancy. Youíre up early!

Mrs. Simmons: Al couldnít sleep. Thought he heard ghosts.

Jen: Thatís fantastic! What did they say?

Mr. Simmons: Oh, nothing I could pin down. No actual words. Just moaning and muttering.

Jen: You sure that wasnít Janey and Todd? Oh, sorry, shouldnít have said that. Donít tell Mom!

Mrs. Simmons: Are they here, honey? I thought they hadnít arrived yet.

Jen: Annís friend Amy dropped them off last night. She met them on the plane on the way over.

Mrs. Simmons: Oh! Is Amy here? I havenít seen her for ages! I canít wait to see the baby!

Jen: Sheís staying at a bed and breakfast in the village-- said it was more peaceful there.

Mr. Tinsley Sr.: Good morning.

Mrs. Simmons: Harold, good morning! You havenít met our niece yet, have you?

Mr. Tinsley Sr.: No. Harold Tinsley. Father of the groom. And you are here with your boyfriend?

Jen: No, thatís Janey. Iím Jen.

Mr. Tinsley Sr.: Oh, you must be the twenty-two-year-old cousin. Twenty-two. A nice age.

Jen: I guess itís okay. Well, Iíll leave you oldies to get caught up. Let me know when Janey rolls out of bed, will you?

Mrs. Simmons: Iíll tell her youíre looking for her dear.

Mr. Tinsley Sr.: Excuse me, I think Iíll just go and see if Jen wants to see the gardens. Bit of a occupational hazardóIíve become something of a tour guide and find it hard to stop. Hate for anyone to miss out on the splendours that are Stoney Grove.

Mrs. Simmons: What a considerate man! Heís nothing like his ex-wife, is he?

Mr. Simmons: Now that you mention it, maybe thatís what gave me nightmares.

Mrs. Simmons: Be nice! Sheís just very talkative, thatís all. Her boyfriend, was it Luigi? Anyway, heís charming.

Mr. Simmons: Just watch your purse around that one.

Mrs. Simmons: Oh, Al!


Reverend Banks: So you've had a chance to look over the ceremony, then? Any questions?

Ann: Well, yes. How much flexibility do we have?

Reverend Banks: Flexibility?

Ann: Yes. To change it.

Reverend Banks: What exactly do you want to change?

Ann: Well, the "obey" part is right out.

Simon: It is? I'd have never guessed!

Ann: Maybe you'd like to stand up in front of everyone you know and promise to obey me?

Simon: Aren't I already doing that by agreeing to marry you?

Ann: Well, I'm not going to say it. And also, all that stuff about what marriage is. I'm marrying Simon because I love him, not to quell my carnal urges or to produce the requisite heir. Though I hope I do.

Simon: Do what?

Ann: Both, actually.

Simon: Me too. There is a surprising amount about sex in there. I guess I've never really paid attention at weddings before. Thought they were boring. Fancy that.

Ann: It surprises me that you started with the traditional ceremony, Nigel. I thought you were a bit more modern too.

Reverend Banks: Oh, I think the old one's rubbish. Simon told me you'd like it.

Ann: Simon said that?

Simon: Well, I actually quite like it. Makes me feel like I'm in charge of things. Didn't think you'd go for it, but no harm in trying.

Ann: Actually, I found this really beautiful lesbian ceremony on the internet. It was all about equality and partnership and sharing. Could we maybe do something like that?

Simon: Are you nuts? I'm not a lesbian!

Ann: I know that. I just liked the sentiment.

Simon: Great. Go for it. I hear Amy isn't married yet. Maybe she'll stand in for me.

Reverend Banks: Ha, ha, well, yesÖ as we discussed last week, marriage is all about compromise. I think, Simon, that you should respect Ann's wishes and go for the more modern ceremony, and that you, Ann, should honour Simon's more, um, traditional side and try to be a bit more conformist.

Ann: Let me read through it first.

Simon: You know the wedding is less than two weeks away. We really should decide this today.

Reverend Banks: No hurry. I'll send along a copy of the 1928 ceremony and we can discuss it later.

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