Man Bites Dog

Just before the end of the first half, a bull mastiff escaped from its owner's control and ran onto the pitch, disrupting the game. Knobbly dropped to his knees and began barking at the dog.  He appeared to lunge at it, causing the large beast to whimper and run off. Knobbly was non-plussed by the event with his only comment being, "You have to show them who's the bigger animal." The game did not progress well for the Irregulars after that, with Knobbly being sent off in the second half and Cattering coming back from 3-0 down to draw the game. (Full report in Sports section).  --Nigel Twicks

Anonymous Gift to Church Restoration Fund

The Reverend went on to add that other gifts are still being sought.  "God has seen fit to move through this particular donor, but His work is not yet done.  Others may feel the call soon, and should heed it. Manna takes many forms-- donors are encouraged to send cash, cheques or money orders," he joked, "or simply to head for the Idiot and down a Nun."

A portion of the donation will be used immediately for repairs to the church tower, whilst the rest will be applied towards interior restoration and conservation of the church's noteworthy collection of misericords.--Nigel Twicks

Miss Simmons, the daughter of an English Literature professor and herself a college instructor for a brief period prior winning the lottery, has tried to bring a scholar’s perspective to her new life at the Great House. She has instituted a research agenda for the restoration of the mansion that currently involves architectural consultant Chester Vyse, who speaks very highly of her,  and trainee historian Emma Knytleigh. She also has plans to employ an archaeologist next spring to undertake investigations of the estate’s grounds, although this writer knows of no Roman sites in the area. Miss Simmons is also an active participant in the campaign for the restoration of the Upper Puckering Parish Church, and has generously contributed furniture and appliances to local charities.

Still, some in the village feel she could do more. "We could have used her help in the Best Kept Village competition," argues Colonel Bratherton. "Support from Miss Hall at Stoney Grove clinched the title for us several times in the 1950s and 1960s. With a woman on the premises again, we had hoped to reclaim that honour."

Miss Simmons’s outspoken attitude towards women’s participation in local sport has also drawn fire. "We don’t need any of those American libbers burning their brassieres over here," grumbled Nigel Morcombe. "Not that I advocate wearing them, but if they’re going to, they should know their place. And it’s not on the pitch, it’s making the teas. We don’t want any women bowling bouncers."

Others have noted that, after six months, Miss Simmons still finds her American habits hard to shake. Like most of her countrymen, she is an avid consumer. Even when her income seemed threatened, the new proprietress of Stoney Grove took pleasure in weekend jaunts to Italy, the installation of a costly satellite dish, and most recently, the purchase of an antique portrait valued at thousands of pounds. Plans for a golf course on the grounds are also rumoured.

What will the next six months bring? Miss Simmons was unavailable for comment, but Frank Churchill, whom she employs as a hermit, offered these insights. "When I picture Ann in six months’ time," he predicted, "I see sunshine, bright colours, and new discoveries."--Nigel Twicks